“How to bribe you friends with stuffed animals and steal things by stuffing them in your socks: Kindergarten at it’s finest”
“Welcome to Indiana University, where you best is never good enough and you’re even dumber than you thought”
“Shut up…please.”
“Welcome to CrossFit: You’ll never sit down quickly again.”
“Not a way in this world, Lady: The day I kicked an employee at Victoria’s Secret.”
“I Am Not Dainty.”
“The Story of a Reed: A sixteenth of a millimeter too much here and you’ve wasted 35 hours of your life.”
“My Pinterest boards make me seem so fucking crafty but what functioning adult has time to craft?”
“Before I hire you, I’m going to need you to sing a song about ice cream.”
“If you sit on this bucket, you will be fired.”
“Stop Sleeping With My Therapist: How I survived group therapy and thrived in spite of it.”
“Buck The Fuck Up.”
“The Beatles? Who are the Beatles? Here, let me sing you this Bible verse.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t read books shaped like that.”
“Thankful for space, among other things: A Thanksgiving Tale.”
“The First Time I PR’d My Snatch.”
“Here at UGA, we’re better than you, and we know it.”
“You only have a Scarlet A? That’s nothing. She’s got a Scarlet R.” (An accidental parody)
“There are plenty of Mohicans. Let’s not get worked up over nothing.”
